Self-Talk
A Powerful Tool or a Terrible Curse
By: Patrick S. Cross, LMT, CPN, CET
“Our emotions are not always the trustworthy friends we like to think they are. They’re more like a really moody friend who can be totally supportive one minute, and really unpleasant the next.” Said Guy Winch, psychologist and author of Emotional First Aid, during his Ted Talks presentation in February of 2016.
He then told the story of a woman he worked with who, after a 20 year marriage and a rough divorce, was finally ready to start dating. The man she was so excited to go on a date with was successful, handsome, and most importantly was really interested in her. They met for drinks at an upscale bar in New York. Ten minutes into the date the man got up, informed her that he was not interested, and walked out.
She was devastated. So much so that she could barely move. All she could do was call a friend. And here is what that friend said.
“Well, what did you expect? You have big hips. You have nothing interesting to say. Why would a handsome, successful man like that ever want to go out with you?”
We can all agree that would be absolutely unacceptable for a trusted friend to say, but then we find out that it was not a friend who said that to the woman, it was what she told herself.
Does that seem more normal?
We have all told ourselves things that, if coming from any other person, would be good cause to not speak with them anymore. But from ourselves, the terrible things we say seem less worrisome, even normal.
Conversely studies noted by Alex Hutchinson in his book Endure published in February of last year said that self-talk was able to boost performance and decrease perceived effort and pain in athletes during demanding physical training and performance.
What do you think those athletes were telling themselves? Exactly the opposite of what the woman in Dr. Winch’s story was telling herself.
“You can make it.”
“This is not as bad as you think.”
“Keep going. You can do it.”
“You got this!”
When these types of phrases go through our heads they produce a cocktail of endorphins, hormones, and neurotransmitters that make us stronger and more resilient to extreme difficulty.
The problem is that it’s not easy, especially if our reflex reaction is to self-talk more like the woman in Winch’s story.
So what’s the trick to making the switch?
The trick is that there is no trick. No simple method for easy transformation will yield long-term results. No book or blog about positive mindset or better self-talk will solve the problem. They are good for introducing the concept, but like any other skill it must be worked at and practiced, probably for long periods of time under specific circumstances, before we get any good at it.
It’s also ideal to have a good teacher. Usually that teacher will come in the form of a skilled, insightful therapist. Dr. Winch puts a lot of emphasis on better self-talk habits in his practice. In my own practice I use modified Cranial Sacral and Somato-Emotional Release techniques to discover the self-talk and thought patterns that need to shift, and then set up exercises to accomplish that. There are many other therapy based avenues to explore as well.
These teachers can also come in the form of good friends who are willing to really listen, and offer some accountability and support.
With a real desire to make the shift, a willingness to find the right information and people, and then buckling down for practice, practice, practice; it is possible to halt the self sabotage, to lift the negative self-talk curse, and harness the powerful tool that self-talk can be.
